BUMPER BLOG OF BOLLOX
October 31st, 2009
Cuthbert Breeze and Leet Fabric welcome and give big love to you all.
Mister Mann Erotic Promotion (MMEP) part 6
May 18th, 2012May 4th and crazy man @BenedictFarse posted his bum shot as promised:
That is a small travel guitar between his legs not his large endowment; that is being held out the way by his left hand.
This picture was followed swiftly by @RicardoPresto who asked “Am I doing this right?”
The hands are at the side of the Kindle in order to cup his ample ‘Salty Trooper’ carriers, the Kindle barely covering his considerable length. A fine picture that had the ladies swooning and sales of the book soaring. Thank you very much Ricardo!
More soon…
Mister Mann Erotic Promotion (MMEP) part 5
May 17th, 2012On the 2nd of May we had 4 new enteries for the Mister Mann Advertising Campaign of the Year Ward.
First up was crazy man @BenedictFarse on the train with this broad shouldered beauty:
Next was the beautiful @Donna_Gallers with this ethereal, stunning, technology made sexy work of art:
Then there was an angel from the North of England snapped by the extremely funny and very vigilant @UtterBen:
And finally the very manly and lusciously virile @EasilyTempted’s hubby Mr ET:
The competition was hotting up.
Due to an unfortunate typo @BenedictFarse promised @EasilyTempted an arse shit which will be cleared up and posted tomorrow…
Mister Mann Erotic Promotion (MMEP) part 4
May 16th, 2012On the 1st of May @Juniewal posted a stunning picture, a photo that erected Maypoles across the land:
A delightful @JunieWalpurgisnacht image heralding in Spring, fertility and growth.
Four people had promoted my novel, it was only right that I should join in the fun.
Mister Mann Erotic Promotion (MMEP) part 3
May 15th, 2012On the 30th April the MISTER MANN website went live, with the wonderfully talented Stepen Hope-Wynne reading extracts from the novel to the compellingly warped videos of Richard Simic.
Also on this day, inspired by the ladies, new father and all man @ChribHibble addressed the balance with a mighty thrusting beefcake pose:
Three people in two days had stripped off to promote the novel.
Now Mister Mann is not a lighthearted work, it is a “deep, challenging and uplifting introspective” a “work of creative genius”, “dark, sinister and quite wonderful”. This help from these people was the perfect compliment and enormously appreciated. I could not wish for more.
But more was to come…
Mister Mann Erotic Promotion (MMEP)
May 14th, 2012Sunday April 29th @EasilyTempted started off the Mister Mann Erotic Promotion - it is what Jesus would have wanted.
ET’s picture was quickly followed by @Debsa who snapped a cupped breast in this blurred but superbly spontaneous shot:
A fabulous photograph I’m sure you will agree, but sadly lacking in pineapple.
Fortunately Debsa has a marvellous avatar to compensate for this:
This wonderful picture was created by @Wo0 who also loves pineapples.
I was beginning to worry about the balance of the universe in that only women were stripping off. I needn’t have worried…
To Be Continued…
The Wonderful Power of Twitter
May 11th, 2012The wonderful people of twitter have been helping me promote my novel Mister Mann.
It all started with the gorgeous @EasilyTempted who sent me the following message:
Which I promptly retweeted to my followers, as it was a superb and sexy way to boast.
Ms ET saw and replied “Sex sells” which lead to the next heart racingly brilliant picture from the beautiful lady…
This then lead to a flood of others (who had enjoyed and are fans of Mister Mann) joining in, posting pictures with the novel covering their modesty.
Spontaneous wonderful support for something I had written, the biggest compliment a writer could receive. Stuff the Nobel Prize for Literature.
I shall post these tremendous pictures over the next few days…
To be continued.
161 Music/Great Albums/Nirvana’s Nevermind
September 21st, 2011
Nevermind is regarded as one of the best rock albums of all time. 20 years since its release and the tributes are flooding in. The opening 3 tracks: Smell Like Teen Spirit, In Bloom and Come as You Are and the way they play together provide the ingredients for a great album. And then the bastard just takes off.
What is extraordinary about this album is that everyone agrees. And even more extraordinary is that, unlike most popular things such as politics, religion, ill-informed opinions and Cash in the Attic, no one has died. Not even Cobain. Kurt hated the fame, staged his ‘suicide’ and disappeared. He is still alive and living with Sally Shingles ( http://www.cultcomedy.net/british-comedy/109-attributesbraveryhero , http://www.cultcomedy.net/comedy-2/156-liesdamn-lieswhat-really-happened-at-abattobad ) helping keep Osama from blowing up infidels by teaching him mean guitar riffs and heart wrenching lyrics.
The greatest rock album in the world was created by Great Medical Disaster (www.myspace.com/greatmedicaldisaster) but due to and embarrassing mix up involving Alice Beer, Sarah Beeny and the wind section form London Philharmonic Orchestra the masterpiece has been lost. Just as well because staging the ‘suicide’ of 3 rock gods, 2 minor TV celebs and the 106 players of the LPO would be a lot more difficult than just blowing your face off with a shotgun. And Sally would have to move to a bigger gaff.
What made the album so great was not just the lack of lyrics but somehow Knight Lomas (the Organiser and Scribe, King of All He Survives) managed to make the Sgt. Stanley Bollox drum kit work (http://www.cultcomedy.net/british-comedy/35-musicmusical-instrumentsgibson-les-paul )
Fortunately Great Medical Disaster are wise and realize the twists of fate, understand the Grand Plan, realize the perfection where the seeming imperfection seems to be, and so shrugged off the nuisance and carried on producing no word hymns, accessing the diminutive point somewhere between the snarls of Cerberus and the gates of Hades, dwelling in the region absolut and continue to this day creating the colossus that is GMD post-rock madness.
St Sarah of Beeny; Chest like a drum kit – lovely bangers.
160 Sport/Pointless Sport/Tennis
June 24th, 2011All sport is pointless. The argument that sport is a good way to keep fit and have fun is clearly wrong. People often cry and ruin there bodies in pursuit of sporting excellence. Famous atheletic blubbers include Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne, Paula Radcliffe and Jockey Wilson. If happiness and fitness are your goals then go for a walk, much healthier. And don’t give me that ‘but its fun to watch sport’ bollocks. Sport is the McDonalds of fun – there is always something better.
The most pointless sport, apart from football, is tennis. Tennis is madness, utter lunacy, completely hat-stand. It is no coincidence that most tennis players are named after hats: Fedora, Fred Beret, Andre Ag-hatti, Martina Navaratabowler, and Bjorn Teacozy. If you think that a tea cozy isn’t a hat, you should try one on immediately.
Most believe tennis to have originated in 12th century France but it was in fact invented by the Buddhist Monk Roger Koan in 406 AD, to teach his students the lesson of life’s futility.
Inspired by the ‘Two hands clap and there is a sound; what is the sound of one hand?’ paradox, Monk Koan devised the game as an extension of that sentiment.
Due to mankind’s inordinate ability to totally consume and assimilate futility the game quickly caught on (see http://www.cultcomedy.net/comedy-2/19-pastimessportgolf-2). It was outlawed in 409AD when it was realised that most of the Buddhist population had eschewed the teachings of Siddhartha Gautama and turned semi-pro.
For causing such chaos Monk Koan was stripped of his orange robes and told to fuck off. This initially upset him, particularly losing his favourite ‘burnt cantaloupe’ Sunday best muumuu, with the large stain of Jesus on the back from a chicken Jalfrezi curry night that got out of hand. But he soon achieved Nirvana enlightenment and immortality when he conquered all wants, he was now free from the cycle of birth and death and his worldly conception of the self.
Having spanned centuries wandering the world and inventing many glorious things in an effort to wake man from his slumber (Bee sandwich, The Scorpion Seat and the Cactus Tea Cozy to name a few), he is now currently reminding everyone that the super group U2 is nothing but a jumped up bunch of traveling troubadours with as much validity as a Sunday league religion by labeling their entire back catalogue CDs with a cock sticker.
Yet another Buddhist monk caught in the Roger Koan ‘Super Glue Paving Slab’ trap.
When will they learn?
159 Puzzles/Mystery/Men’s Magazines Exercises
June 15th, 2011Men’s fitness magazines are probably the weirdest, silliest thing in the universe, apart from perhaps the Sarah Beeny chest comb over.
The plethora of names for the myriad different exercises that ex–SAS-Navy Seal-Commando-Para instructors recommend were, up until now, a conundrum. Benedict Farse has cracked the code.
Simply stated the formula is:
Exercise Name = Multiplier + Body Part + Eastern European Country + War Hero
Examples of the above are:
Double Leg Russian Eisenhowers
Quadruple Arm Bulgarian Churchills
and the very stiff Infinite Nipple Latvian Rommels.
Have a go its easy – Triple Toe Czech Von Richthofens.
Slightly more puzzling are the instructions that accompany these exercises – usually involving a house hold item and a method that has nothing to do with the limb to be exercised. For example:
Single Scrotum Slovak Wellingtons: Grab a tin of beans in a firm grip, shoulders should be shoulder width apart, hands out straight in front, now slowly raise those beans to head height (fig 1), slowly return to starting position (fig 2) repeat 10x. The beauty of this fat busting routine is you can do it anywhere provided you have a can of beans. Other tinned food can be used if beans not available e.g. spaghetti hoops. Take it up a notch by listening to Kylie Minogue. Warning: Exercise may not work and/or cause injury.
or
Quanto Minge Belarus Montgomerys: take a kettlebell in each hand (90kg) both sides – bend at knees – exhale – grip leather strap in teeth – hydrate with isotonic Men’s Health super soaker – through anus. This will stretch the fast twitch fibers of the neck. Take it up a notch by listening to Kylie Minogue. Make sure to warm up first and to hydrate properly, preferably through anal osmosis.
But the most puzzling aspects of all are the authoritative articles on absolutely everything:
Fact of the day: A series of 5kg incremental dumbbells were found in the ancient Egyptian pyramids.
Read how Doctor Crichards lost an astonishing 3 stone in just 2 weeks without doing any exercise! Or dieting!
Meanwhile here is an article on how to send the right body language to somebody you fancy in the gym using lemon chicken and basic bodily hygiene (editors comment – “nice with ice”).
Tolstoy and Traps – reading in the original Russian language War and Peace whilst training those trapezius muscles with Troy Stamina (Former Mr Banjo, 4th Dan Kettledando, WWF knock-down Panda title holder 1983 (undisputed), O’Lvl Home Economics (disputed)) – “As with any historical fiction dealing with the Napoleonic invasion of Russia, don’t be a mug and don’t take steroids. And later during the Sevastopol uprisings your Single Shin Croat Bismark technique maybe amongst the best but there is always room for improvement.”
And now some old, ‘never been seen before’ pictures of Arnie plus a review of Little Fockers.
There is no explanation for this level of hubris, there never will be. Never.
Advert: Di-Uromoroid Mono Potassium Sulphate for Proper Muscles*.
The guy on the right takes DUMPS for results!**
*Don’t be a mug and don’t do steroids
** Warning: Will shrink testes.
